I’ve been dumped both times I’ve ever bothered to give a guy the time of day and call him my boyfriend. Both times over a phone call–a damn phone call. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter in the slightest that I wasn’t even important enough to break-up with in person. Absolutely no bitter feelings here! In fact, for those of you men finding yourselves newly single (read: dumb enough to leave the best thing that’s ever happened to you), I’d like to help you. I’d like to offer you some sincere advice as to what you shouldn’t do once you’ve acted on your utter stupidity… er, pardon… I mean your deep sense of responsibility to set her free of a troubled relationship (how kind of you!).
My three cardinal rules for post-dumping etiquette:
1. What in the &^%*(@$# makes you think she wants to hear from you? Don’t text, call, email, message, smoke signal, etc.. Remember, you left her. Don’t tempt her by trying to reach out and be friendly. Besides, that blonde you met at that kegger when you decided to dump the poor girl will probably be more receptive of your (lame) “Heyyyy” text.
2. Friends? Fat chance! In all likeliness, she went on an immature rampage after you dumped her and deleted your number, un-friended you from Facebook, un-followed your Twitter and burned your pictures in the fireplace regardless of the fact that it was mid-July. You know, typical hormonal, girl stuff. It would probably be a bad idea to try and undo all these things she’s done–don’t friend her again, don’t try to tweet at her. She’s likely unstable.
3. If you see her in public, hide. Did I mention that she’s likely unstable? So if you dumped her in a rather improper manner, you may want to avoid seeing her. Even the most well-behaved ladies like to throw things at dumb boys’ heads every now and then.
If you happen to break any of these rules, well, I can’t help you…
And ladies, if any of you have as pathetic of a history with relationships as myself, chin up–all that cynicism you have can be put to good use with the appropriate amount of sarcasm, wit and a blog!